You are just a helper…stay as a helper!
04 April 2025
Many migrant domestic workers (MDWs) at HOME’s shelter complain about verbal and emotional abuse by their employers. Although these types of abuse can be very damaging to their mental well-being, they are not always taken up for investigations by the authorities. Also, they are hard to prove—usually, it is the word of the MDW against that of the employer, who will likely deny or downplay accusations. Sara, an MDW who eventually sought help at HOME’s shelter, managed to record her employers’ outbursts, excerpts of which were recently shared on HOME’s social media.
During a writing workshop at HOME’s shelter for MDWs, we discussed verbal abuse and its impact. When we asked the participants whether they had ever encountered verbal abuse, one of them said “of course I did”. This answer shows not only how common verbal abuse is, but that many MDWs see it as part of the job, something that they have no choice but to tolerate.
Verbal abuse is a serious issue, as chronic verbal abuse can lead to serious mental health issues. HOME’s 2022 report ‘Invisible Wounds: Emotional Abuse of Domestic Workers in Singapore’ stated that emotional abuse can have long standing repercussions that “include fear, self-loathing, and self-doubt in the short term, and depression and anxiety in the long term.” The effects of verbal abuse may also manifest physically, such as through loss of sleep or appetite.
During the workshop, Sara wrote about the verbal abuse she experienced, how her employer repeatedly berated and belittled her, and how this behaviour affected her well-being and self-worth. Her work suffered accordingly, angering the employer even further in a downward spiral of verbal violence.
Here is Sara’s story, in her own words.
“I worked for a family consisting of a couple and their twin boys. We lived in a condo and my main duties were cleaning, washing, ironing, and helping ma’am prepare things for cooking, chopping foods. I fetched the kids from school, helped ma’am feed them, and changed their diapers. I looked after them every time my employer needed to do something else. In the first two weeks of staying there I experienced many emotions. I missed my home, my family, and my friends.
One day, I didn’t clean the kids room properly and my employer scolded me. I apologised, trying to correct things and to be more aware of my mistakes. But from that day onwards, she scolded me every day. I never had the peace of mind to do my work. I would close my eyes and think about my family, the support they gave me—to help them financially is the purpose I’m here for.
When I’d been there one month, my employer’s behaviour got worse.
My employer kept scolding me, which made me feel weaker. I didn’t have the appetite to eat. I felt like I was carrying heavy things in my heart. STUPID. IDIOT. USELESS. These were names she called me often. Once, she said ‘You are just a helper. Stay as a helper.’ She regularly told me to ‘SHUT UP!’. Hearing these words made me feel drained and hopeless. Her words made me feel like a servant.
Often, the work was made more difficult because their instructions kept changing. First, my employer would instruct me to ‘ask her everything’ but then later she scolded me for talking to her. I had to do chores in areas that I was not permitted to enter without their permission. Places I was prohibited to enter or touch were the kids room, the store room, their cabinets, and the fridge. Everytime I needed to clean these places I had to wait for their permission to enter and proceed with my work, which slowed me down and made the work difficult to manage. One week I skipped my breakfast just to finish everything before they woke up in the afternoon, but they always doubted me, and checked in on me using the CCTV.
Ma’am would give me different instructions which made it impossible to do it right. She would tell me not to ask her about something, but then later scold me for not asking her. She would ask me to put something in the fridge ‘first thing in the morning’ but when I did it, she would then scold me for opening the fridge without her permission. Many times the instructions in the morning were different from the ones in the afternoon, leaving me very confused and frustrated. It didn't matter what I did, I could never do it right.
I endured everything, just for my family. But things got worse and worse. I begged them many times to send me back to my agency but they kept trying to break me mentally and emotionally. Every day I endured shouting and scolding and I got less and less energy to work well. So I didn't do the things I should have done. In my life I felt useless, like I am nothing, not competent. It felt as if I was becoming the stupid useless person that my employer accused me of being.
Before working here in Singapore, many people adored me because I am a helpful person, happy, and a fighter. One thing I realised is that you don’t need to proveyourself to a person that doesn’t recognise your worth. I was not like this. Until now I am carrying the trauma of negativity and I still keep trying to find my whole self again. The Sara who dreamed big for her family.”